Trying Times Bring You Closer

Sometimes I think when everything is great, that’s when Anne and I are closest. We’re happy, our kids are behaving and obeying, finances are good…all is going well, so we must be doing well as a couple. Yet, when I really think about it, it’s moreso the trying times that bring us close.

We’ve been dealing with a challenging situation lately, and I’m amazed at how such an event will pull you closer to your spouse. When you’re on the same page, fighting the same fight, dealing with the same issues, it’s like you’re “in the trenches” together…like wartime comrads who would do anything for each other to protect the other.

Keep that in mind. When things seem to be the hardest around you, it’s a great time for growth in your marriage. When I wrote Married to Jesus, it was both the most diffucult time and the most precious time in our marriage. And, I’m glad for both components.

Time to Yourself

I read something the other day that took me by surprise. It was a book about talking and listening to your kids. The particular point I took away was basically this…it’s okay to say “No” to your kids just for no other reason than because you want to do something else at the time.

I always feel guilty when I tell my kids “No” about doing something with or for them when all I want to do just relax or read a magazine or watch TV…just something selfish like that. But, what this book was saying is that sometimes we just need our own time, and our kids have to realize this. It’s not because I don’t want to spend time with them; it’s just that I need to relax and give myself some time.

 While I agree with this concept, it is a difficult thing to implement. It still seems selfish; but I guess it’s really not. To reference the life of Jesus, there were many times when he went away to a place alone. I would imagine the disciples felt slightly sometimes when Jesus walked away from them to be by himself; but he needed that time alone. And, so do we.

As long as we are fulfilling our roles as fathers/husbands, it IS okay to have some time for ourselves. Take that time this week or this weekend. And enjoy it.

It’s not about me

I’m teaching a series on the book The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman) in my class right now. I’ve mentioned this a couple times in the class, but this book offers one of the most profound, yet simple concepts to learn in marriage. It all boils down to this:

It’s not about me!

In order for a marriage to thrive (possibly even to just survive), we have to stop thinking about ourselves and what WE want, and start thinking about what my wife (husband) wants. If you’ve not read the book, the brief explanation is like this: the book focuses on learning and speaking the “love language” of your spouse – finding out what makes THEM feel loved, and then “speaking” to them in their language (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service or physical touch).

Obvously, it took Dr. Chapman many years to come up with these specific Five Love Languages, but the concept really is that simple. Now, actually discovering and speaking your spouse’s love language is not quite as simple! It will take some effort. BUT…the results will be well worth it. When we stop focusing on our own desires, our own problems, our own challenges, and begin to point our efforts toward LOVING our spouse in his or her language, great things will happen in our marriage.

Leave and Cleave

I teach a young married couples class at Hudson Community Chapel, and yesterday the topic was “Leave and Cleave” – stemming from Genesis 2:24 which says:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

In this passage, God is calling us to three things, in particular:

• Departure
• Permanence
• Oneness

Departure is pretty straightforward, but involves more than just “leaving” your parents’ home. It involves breaking from your parents emotionally and financially, as well. It’s amazing how many marriages have not made this departure official. Although they have left the home, they still depend on mom and dad for spiritual, emotional and financial support, as opposed to getting these key ingredients from husband or wife. It is crucial to break free from this emotional and financial connection to your parents, because until your husband or wife can truly count on you for 100% connection (not just 90-95%!), there will be something missing from your marriage.

When you become united with your spouse, it’s not just an experiment to see if it will work. You are dedicating yourself to your spouse and committing to God that you’re in this FOREVER…permanence! It’s amazing how little our society values permanence in marriage these days. Most weddings we hear about in the news involve two famous people coming together Hollywood style. Then, roughly a year or so later, that same couple is filing for divorce (if it lasts that long!). It is also shocking to find out that almost 50% of couples getting married today chose to live together first. This concept of living together may seem logical to many people…a chance to get to know each other better, discover the good and the bad before taking the real leap into marriage. But, studies show that couples who lived together prior to getting married are actually 46% more likely to get divorced than those who didn’t! 46% more likely! Want to know why? Because that is not the way God intended it to be. We are to be UNITED to a wife/husband, not a boyfriend or girlfriend.

And, finally, Genesis 2:24 tells us we are to “become one flesh.” The first two steps in this passage are more immediate; becoming one flesh is a process that takes time. When we join in the union of marriage, we are just starting out in this wonderful journey of becoming closer to each other and becoming more like Christ. It can be challenging if you come from different backgrounds, but if you allow God to craft your spouse into the person He wants him/her to be, you will see the results. Becoming “one” doesn’t mean becoming the same. It means being driven by the same goals, the same purpose, the same desire to be more like Christ in your life and marriage. It’s not easy. I can’t imaging asking a couple who has been married for 30, 40 or 50 years and them telling me it’s been a piece of cake! It takes work to become one. But the result is a stronger marriage, one based on that of Christ and His church. And, we become living examples to others around us when they see us exemplifying Christ in our marriage.

I have heard this verse from Genesis in just about every wedding I’ve attended, but looking at it more closely reveals some specifics about what God meant with these few words.

Having a G.R.E.A.T. Marriage

I just started reading a book called “What Makes a Woman Feel Loved? Understanding What Your Wife Really Wants.” So far, it’s pretty good. I have only gotten through a couple chapters, but a few things in the second chapter impressed me so much, I had to write them here.

The second chapter is entitled: Making a Great Marriage. It starts off with a quote from Robert Quillen: “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” I thought that was a great statement…and a true one at that! Then it goes on to describe a GREAT marriage – GREAT being an acronym:

G – Giving
R – Relating
E – Edifying
A – Allowing your mate to be God’s person
T – Touching

The rest of the chapter goes on to discuss each of these concepts in more detail. Then what really struck me was the closing comments about marriage.

• All marriages aren’t happy; living together is tough.
• A good marriage is not a gift; it takes an achievement by God’s grace.
• Marriage is not for children; it takes guts and maturity.
• Marriage separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls.
• Marriage is tested daily by the ability to compromise.
• The survival of marriage can depend on being smart enough to know what’s worth fighting about, making an issue of, or even mentioning.
• Marriage is giving, and more importantly, forgiving.
• With all its ups and downs, marriage is still God’s best object lesson of Jesus and the church.
• Through submission to one another we can witness to the world that marriage does work and is still alive.
• Marriage is worth dying for. If we give it proper honor, we will be honored by our children, our families, our neighbors, our friends, and — best of all — our Lord.

Good stuff! GREAT stuff, actually!

One Flesh

Have you ever caught yourself in a daze looking out the window when it’s raining? Or watching the water drip down the glass door of the shower? Or even anticipating the condensation as it gathers on a glass of iced tea? I find myself sometimes in awe as one droplet moves down a particular path until it combines with another droplet and the two then move together as one down the glass.

This is how I envision God’s description of the relationship of husband and wife in Genesis 2:24. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Becoming one flesh is like those two droplets flowing together to make the journey as one for the rest of their existence. Once they meet in the flow, there is no distinguishing one from the other. There is no separation. One is not stronger or better or more impressive than the other.

To take this analogy further, when those two drops form one, the new drop is bigger and more powerful than the two were separately, isn’t it? The same is true for a husband and wife who truly implement the idea of one flesh into their lives. They become a great force when they are bound together in Christ; a strong force that is extremely difficult to divide.

(Taken from Married to Jesus, Chapter 8, One Flesh)

The Character of Christ

What was Jesus like? What are the attributes we should be imitating? If we are to do everything in his name, what does that look like? As a fun and helpful exercise, I asked several people to give me single words that described Jesus. Think about that for a minute or two. What words pop into your head? Here are a few that came up:

Humble     Righteous      Selfless  
Obedient     Submissive     Trustworthy
Welcoming     Encourager      Example
Comforting     Redeemer      Eternal
Faithful     Loving      King
Amazing      Sacrifice      Savior
Perfect     Sinless      Patient
Forgiving     Merciful     Just
Kind    Complete     Compassionate
Holy     Honest      Infinite
Almighty     Omniscient     Leader
Teacher     Servant      Friend

Now, there are several here that I can mark off the list that I will never be. We’ve already established that I’m not perfect. I’m pretty sure I’m not omniscient, righteous or eternal. And, unless I buy an island somewhere and name myself supreme leader of that land, I’m fairly confident I will not be a king at any point in my lifetime.

But, what I can imitate are attributes like showing compassion and kindness, being humble and faithful. I can be honest, merciful and patient. I can strive to live a life of servanthood and sacrifice. Galatians 5:22-23 says, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he said:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

These are the characteristics Jesus displayed in his years on earth. These are the characteristics we should be imitating in our daily lives.

Almost all these words that describe Jesus can be summed up in one word: Love. Jesus himself said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

(Taken from Married to Jesus, Chapter 1, To Be Like Jesus)

The Dangerous Book for Boys

I received a great gift for Father’s Day this year…The Dangerous Book for Boys! Amazon.com has a great video that was put together about “How to Use The Dangerous Book for Boys” – it’s really funny! You’ll find out how to build a tree house, how to make the world’s best paper airplane, info on dinosaurs, trees and famous battles, as well as baseball MVPs and lots of other important “boy stuff.” I’ve only had it for a day, but I’d highly recommend this book!

Sacrificial Love

It’s very good to have friendship in your marriage and to experience a strong attraction and sexual relationship with your spouse. I believe most marriages have at least some of both. But Christ’s love for the church goes beyond this level of love. His love is a giving, sacrificing, selfless love. It is a love that shows itself in action.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Jesus loved and gave, not because we were attractive or shared some interest with him, but simply because he loved us. So he humbled himself, he gave up all his glory to serve us. This is the way we are to love our husbands or wives: Giving ourselves, dying to self, serving our spouse.

 (Taken from Chapter 3 of Married to Jesus, Greater Love)

Forgiveness: Essential to Marriage

You hear about it all the time, husbands and wives working through difficulties in their marriage. Whether it is a problem of money, lying, or any other issue, even a betrayal as great as adultery, when couples are committed to a long-term marriage, forgiveness is essential. We all make mistakes, and without true forgiveness offered to or received from our spouse, those mistakes will add up to a debt that none of us can ever repay.

Even at a time when forgiveness would be the last thing on any of our minds, Jesus said, as he hung on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” As we strive to be like Christ in our marriage, how can we not forgive our spouse for whatever he or she has done? Is it an offense worse than murder? Jesus forgave the people who were killing him!

Have you ever gone to bed with something left unsettled? Either you need to ask for forgiveness from your spouse, or maybe you need to offer it? I often find myself thinking very selfishly in these instances. I think, “I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t need to ask for forgiveness.” Or, “I can’t believe she said that. How could she have said that? She didn’t even say she was sorry!” And then I think, as I lay there not falling asleep, about what I should have done or said in response or how I’ll react the next time that situation comes up again.

And then something happens. Over the next few days, I start to get eaten up from inside. I begin to harbor resentment over something that was said. It boils up inside me. I start to relate it to other things going on, and it comes across in my attitude toward Anne and the kids. All this because I didn’t think I did anything wrong!

We need to humble ourselves before God and before our spouse. In order to be forgiven, we must forgive. And, in order to be forgiven, we must ask for forgiveness.

A friend of ours suggested a little tool to help instill the idea of forgiveness to our kids. I think the same concept applies to married couples. It’s not enough just to say, “I’m sorry.” We should take it a step further and say, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” It takes the understanding of the situation to a whole other level. By asking for forgiveness, you are admitting that there is a need to be forgiven.

And, if we are the forgiver, we need to become more like Jesus as he said we must “forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”

(Taken from Chapter 6 of Married to Jesus, Forgiveness is Key)