Trying Times Bring You Closer

Sometimes I think when everything is great, that’s when Anne and I are closest. We’re happy, our kids are behaving and obeying, finances are good…all is going well, so we must be doing well as a couple. Yet, when I really think about it, it’s moreso the trying times that bring us close.

We’ve been dealing with a challenging situation lately, and I’m amazed at how such an event will pull you closer to your spouse. When you’re on the same page, fighting the same fight, dealing with the same issues, it’s like you’re “in the trenches” together…like wartime comrads who would do anything for each other to protect the other.

Keep that in mind. When things seem to be the hardest around you, it’s a great time for growth in your marriage. When I wrote Married to Jesus, it was both the most diffucult time and the most precious time in our marriage. And, I’m glad for both components.

It’s not about me

I’m teaching a series on the book The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman) in my class right now. I’ve mentioned this a couple times in the class, but this book offers one of the most profound, yet simple concepts to learn in marriage. It all boils down to this:

It’s not about me!

In order for a marriage to thrive (possibly even to just survive), we have to stop thinking about ourselves and what WE want, and start thinking about what my wife (husband) wants. If you’ve not read the book, the brief explanation is like this: the book focuses on learning and speaking the “love language” of your spouse – finding out what makes THEM feel loved, and then “speaking” to them in their language (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service or physical touch).

Obvously, it took Dr. Chapman many years to come up with these specific Five Love Languages, but the concept really is that simple. Now, actually discovering and speaking your spouse’s love language is not quite as simple! It will take some effort. BUT…the results will be well worth it. When we stop focusing on our own desires, our own problems, our own challenges, and begin to point our efforts toward LOVING our spouse in his or her language, great things will happen in our marriage.

The Character of Christ

What was Jesus like? What are the attributes we should be imitating? If we are to do everything in his name, what does that look like? As a fun and helpful exercise, I asked several people to give me single words that described Jesus. Think about that for a minute or two. What words pop into your head? Here are a few that came up:

Humble     Righteous      Selfless  
Obedient     Submissive     Trustworthy
Welcoming     Encourager      Example
Comforting     Redeemer      Eternal
Faithful     Loving      King
Amazing      Sacrifice      Savior
Perfect     Sinless      Patient
Forgiving     Merciful     Just
Kind    Complete     Compassionate
Holy     Honest      Infinite
Almighty     Omniscient     Leader
Teacher     Servant      Friend

Now, there are several here that I can mark off the list that I will never be. We’ve already established that I’m not perfect. I’m pretty sure I’m not omniscient, righteous or eternal. And, unless I buy an island somewhere and name myself supreme leader of that land, I’m fairly confident I will not be a king at any point in my lifetime.

But, what I can imitate are attributes like showing compassion and kindness, being humble and faithful. I can be honest, merciful and patient. I can strive to live a life of servanthood and sacrifice. Galatians 5:22-23 says, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

In Paul’s letter to the Colossians, he said:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

These are the characteristics Jesus displayed in his years on earth. These are the characteristics we should be imitating in our daily lives.

Almost all these words that describe Jesus can be summed up in one word: Love. Jesus himself said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

(Taken from Married to Jesus, Chapter 1, To Be Like Jesus)

Sacrificial Love

It’s very good to have friendship in your marriage and to experience a strong attraction and sexual relationship with your spouse. I believe most marriages have at least some of both. But Christ’s love for the church goes beyond this level of love. His love is a giving, sacrificing, selfless love. It is a love that shows itself in action.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Jesus loved and gave, not because we were attractive or shared some interest with him, but simply because he loved us. So he humbled himself, he gave up all his glory to serve us. This is the way we are to love our husbands or wives: Giving ourselves, dying to self, serving our spouse.

 (Taken from Chapter 3 of Married to Jesus, Greater Love)

Wide, Long, High, Deep

You want to know how much we are supposed to love our spouse? Check out Ephesians 3:16-19 – can we “grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ”? What can I do today to show my wife this measure of love? What can you do? Go do it.