Trying Times Bring You Closer

Sometimes I think when everything is great, that’s when Anne and I are closest. We’re happy, our kids are behaving and obeying, finances are good…all is going well, so we must be doing well as a couple. Yet, when I really think about it, it’s moreso the trying times that bring us close.

We’ve been dealing with a challenging situation lately, and I’m amazed at how such an event will pull you closer to your spouse. When you’re on the same page, fighting the same fight, dealing with the same issues, it’s like you’re “in the trenches” together…like wartime comrads who would do anything for each other to protect the other.

Keep that in mind. When things seem to be the hardest around you, it’s a great time for growth in your marriage. When I wrote Married to Jesus, it was both the most diffucult time and the most precious time in our marriage. And, I’m glad for both components.

It’s not about me

I’m teaching a series on the book The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman) in my class right now. I’ve mentioned this a couple times in the class, but this book offers one of the most profound, yet simple concepts to learn in marriage. It all boils down to this:

It’s not about me!

In order for a marriage to thrive (possibly even to just survive), we have to stop thinking about ourselves and what WE want, and start thinking about what my wife (husband) wants. If you’ve not read the book, the brief explanation is like this: the book focuses on learning and speaking the “love language” of your spouse – finding out what makes THEM feel loved, and then “speaking” to them in their language (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service or physical touch).

Obvously, it took Dr. Chapman many years to come up with these specific Five Love Languages, but the concept really is that simple. Now, actually discovering and speaking your spouse’s love language is not quite as simple! It will take some effort. BUT…the results will be well worth it. When we stop focusing on our own desires, our own problems, our own challenges, and begin to point our efforts toward LOVING our spouse in his or her language, great things will happen in our marriage.

Leave and Cleave

I teach a young married couples class at Hudson Community Chapel, and yesterday the topic was “Leave and Cleave” – stemming from Genesis 2:24 which says:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

In this passage, God is calling us to three things, in particular:

• Departure
• Permanence
• Oneness

Departure is pretty straightforward, but involves more than just “leaving” your parents’ home. It involves breaking from your parents emotionally and financially, as well. It’s amazing how many marriages have not made this departure official. Although they have left the home, they still depend on mom and dad for spiritual, emotional and financial support, as opposed to getting these key ingredients from husband or wife. It is crucial to break free from this emotional and financial connection to your parents, because until your husband or wife can truly count on you for 100% connection (not just 90-95%!), there will be something missing from your marriage.

When you become united with your spouse, it’s not just an experiment to see if it will work. You are dedicating yourself to your spouse and committing to God that you’re in this FOREVER…permanence! It’s amazing how little our society values permanence in marriage these days. Most weddings we hear about in the news involve two famous people coming together Hollywood style. Then, roughly a year or so later, that same couple is filing for divorce (if it lasts that long!). It is also shocking to find out that almost 50% of couples getting married today chose to live together first. This concept of living together may seem logical to many people…a chance to get to know each other better, discover the good and the bad before taking the real leap into marriage. But, studies show that couples who lived together prior to getting married are actually 46% more likely to get divorced than those who didn’t! 46% more likely! Want to know why? Because that is not the way God intended it to be. We are to be UNITED to a wife/husband, not a boyfriend or girlfriend.

And, finally, Genesis 2:24 tells us we are to “become one flesh.” The first two steps in this passage are more immediate; becoming one flesh is a process that takes time. When we join in the union of marriage, we are just starting out in this wonderful journey of becoming closer to each other and becoming more like Christ. It can be challenging if you come from different backgrounds, but if you allow God to craft your spouse into the person He wants him/her to be, you will see the results. Becoming “one” doesn’t mean becoming the same. It means being driven by the same goals, the same purpose, the same desire to be more like Christ in your life and marriage. It’s not easy. I can’t imaging asking a couple who has been married for 30, 40 or 50 years and them telling me it’s been a piece of cake! It takes work to become one. But the result is a stronger marriage, one based on that of Christ and His church. And, we become living examples to others around us when they see us exemplifying Christ in our marriage.

I have heard this verse from Genesis in just about every wedding I’ve attended, but looking at it more closely reveals some specifics about what God meant with these few words.

Having a G.R.E.A.T. Marriage

I just started reading a book called “What Makes a Woman Feel Loved? Understanding What Your Wife Really Wants.” So far, it’s pretty good. I have only gotten through a couple chapters, but a few things in the second chapter impressed me so much, I had to write them here.

The second chapter is entitled: Making a Great Marriage. It starts off with a quote from Robert Quillen: “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” I thought that was a great statement…and a true one at that! Then it goes on to describe a GREAT marriage – GREAT being an acronym:

G – Giving
R – Relating
E – Edifying
A – Allowing your mate to be God’s person
T – Touching

The rest of the chapter goes on to discuss each of these concepts in more detail. Then what really struck me was the closing comments about marriage.

• All marriages aren’t happy; living together is tough.
• A good marriage is not a gift; it takes an achievement by God’s grace.
• Marriage is not for children; it takes guts and maturity.
• Marriage separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls.
• Marriage is tested daily by the ability to compromise.
• The survival of marriage can depend on being smart enough to know what’s worth fighting about, making an issue of, or even mentioning.
• Marriage is giving, and more importantly, forgiving.
• With all its ups and downs, marriage is still God’s best object lesson of Jesus and the church.
• Through submission to one another we can witness to the world that marriage does work and is still alive.
• Marriage is worth dying for. If we give it proper honor, we will be honored by our children, our families, our neighbors, our friends, and — best of all — our Lord.

Good stuff! GREAT stuff, actually!

What would it be like to be married to Jesus?

With all the Da Vinci Code stuff going around about Jesus being married, it brings up more than curiousity about whether or not that’s true – to me, it makes me think, “What would it be like to be married to Jesus?” Could you imagine being the wife of Jesus? That would have to be the luckiest wife in the world! To be loved beyond measure; to be put first in everything; to be honored, forgiven, lifted up, praised, supported, served…like no one has ever been before or would be after.

That’s how we’re supposed to treat our husband or wife today. Jesus was the perfect example to model our marriage after. Ephesians 5:21-33 explains it perfectly. If we strive to be more like Jesus in our marriage, the results will be awesome! I have seen, first-hand, the results of Jesus’ characteristics being applied to marriage. Anne and I don’t have a perfect marriage (I don’t know of anyone who does), but when we model Jesus, it can’t go wrong.